January 18, 2011
"What If…"
By Alexa Elkington
I invite you to let your mind out to play just a bit. Stretch your thinking for just a few minutes. Consider something different - Marriage.
In America we typically do marriage with the expectation that when we get married we have found “the one.” Ah yes, that romantic notion. This is the person we want to spend the rest of our life with. Uh-huh. Until we change our mind and decide “what was I thinking when I married you.”
As a marriage therapist I meet clients every day who ask themselves what has happened to their life? Their marriage? Love, sex, fun, excitement, intimacy all seem to be gone from their lives. They feel the excitement and enthusiasm of the early years of marriage have been replaced with monotony, hum-drum activities, boring sex, tedious conversations and a “to-do list.” Not exactly something that any of us would want to run home to at the end of our day.
We have created a conundrum for ourselves. We have built an institution that is supposed to last a lifetime and we can’t even keep it breathing for a decade. Of course there is the affair-option which is what many people select as a means to provide some fun, lively sex and excitement into their stale lives. Others select burying themselves in work, family, sports, shopping, television, alcohol or whatever means of numbing themselves out works for them.
So, now the fun part: Playing with an alternative that would keep us more interested and alive in our marriages.
A Ten Year Lease Marriage. Yep. Forget this lifetime commitment which over fifty percent of marriages don’t manage to keep; replace it with a ten year agreement that gives us the option at the end of ten years to renew the lease or decline the lease. Now couples have something to work towards. If you knew your partner had the option to walk away at ten years with no questions asked, no divorce filings, no mean nasty mess; just a clean “this is the end of our lease and I choose to not renew the lease” how would that impact behavior?
Would this increase commitment to each other? Would each member of the marriage be more willing to stay involved in the relationship? How would this impact the sexual behavior of both partners? When a partner expresses that it would mean a lot to them if you would please: read a book, be nice to my mother, help with the children, get a job, keep the house clean, stay away from drugs, be more sexual, or whatever the issue might be. Would the partner pay more attention to that request? Would the knowledge that my partner can opt out at ten years with no questions asked make me a better partner?
I don’t know. But I do know the way we are doing it now has lots of built in problems. Many couples today are selecting to not get married. When they see the tax and insurance advantages of being married they may change their minds. Meanwhile let’s open our minds to possible alternatives.
Any and all ideas are welcome.
"What If…"
By Alexa Elkington
I invite you to let your mind out to play just a bit. Stretch your thinking for just a few minutes. Consider something different - Marriage.
In America we typically do marriage with the expectation that when we get married we have found “the one.” Ah yes, that romantic notion. This is the person we want to spend the rest of our life with. Uh-huh. Until we change our mind and decide “what was I thinking when I married you.”
As a marriage therapist I meet clients every day who ask themselves what has happened to their life? Their marriage? Love, sex, fun, excitement, intimacy all seem to be gone from their lives. They feel the excitement and enthusiasm of the early years of marriage have been replaced with monotony, hum-drum activities, boring sex, tedious conversations and a “to-do list.” Not exactly something that any of us would want to run home to at the end of our day.
We have created a conundrum for ourselves. We have built an institution that is supposed to last a lifetime and we can’t even keep it breathing for a decade. Of course there is the affair-option which is what many people select as a means to provide some fun, lively sex and excitement into their stale lives. Others select burying themselves in work, family, sports, shopping, television, alcohol or whatever means of numbing themselves out works for them.
So, now the fun part: Playing with an alternative that would keep us more interested and alive in our marriages.
A Ten Year Lease Marriage. Yep. Forget this lifetime commitment which over fifty percent of marriages don’t manage to keep; replace it with a ten year agreement that gives us the option at the end of ten years to renew the lease or decline the lease. Now couples have something to work towards. If you knew your partner had the option to walk away at ten years with no questions asked, no divorce filings, no mean nasty mess; just a clean “this is the end of our lease and I choose to not renew the lease” how would that impact behavior?
Would this increase commitment to each other? Would each member of the marriage be more willing to stay involved in the relationship? How would this impact the sexual behavior of both partners? When a partner expresses that it would mean a lot to them if you would please: read a book, be nice to my mother, help with the children, get a job, keep the house clean, stay away from drugs, be more sexual, or whatever the issue might be. Would the partner pay more attention to that request? Would the knowledge that my partner can opt out at ten years with no questions asked make me a better partner?
I don’t know. But I do know the way we are doing it now has lots of built in problems. Many couples today are selecting to not get married. When they see the tax and insurance advantages of being married they may change their minds. Meanwhile let’s open our minds to possible alternatives.
Any and all ideas are welcome.
